When a consumable makes it necessary to buy new underwear, you just know something ain’t right.
1.) Once You Pop, You Can’t Stop
Oleastra, a.k.a Olean, a.k.a “Unwashable and Indestructible Ass Grease” is found in numerous “light” and “fat-free” potato chips. An indigestible molecule, it inhibits the absorption of vitamins and minerals causing abdominal cramping, loose stools, gas, and perhaps most notoriously—anal leakage. Yet, despite its infamous reputation, the Olean Web site reports that over five billion servings of the fart maker have been served … and continue to be served. No wonder Pringles Fat Free Chips are in the same aisle as the adult diapers.
2.) Becky, Look at Her Butt (… did she sit on a piece of pizza?)
The diet drug Orlistat (Xenical) works much in the same way Olestra does—by blocking absorption of fat. But when you eat half a tub of fried chicken, the grease has to go somewhere; that somewhere is usually your underwear, or if you’re lucky, the toilet. According to the makers of Alli, the over-the-counter form of Orlistat, you may experience “oily spotting” and “loose stools” and may recognize the undigested fat in your toilet because it “looks like the oil on top of a pizza.” We can’t say we weren’t warned … but pizza? Why’d they have to go there?
3.) Hook, Line, and Stinker
Escolar, sometimes sold or served under the name Hawaiian walu, butterfish, and super white tuna, is a deliciously light and buttery fish with one small problem. It contains large amounts of gempylotoxin, a waxy ester that sometimes causes the consumer to have abdominal cramping, diarrhea, and a telltale orange oily mess that destroys undergarments and dignity. In 1992, the FDA advised against supplying the problematic fish, but the agency has since relaxed its provisions. Escolar (and a related species with similar consequences, oilfish) is available in restaurants. Since the fish doesn’t cause the negative ramifications for everyone, ordering it is like playing Russian roulette … with your bowels.
4.) Too Good to Be Poo
Damned sugar-free candies. I was halfway through the bag before I read the warning (small, on the back, carefully worded): “Consumption may cause stomach discomfort and/or a laxative effect.” This should really read: “Consumption may cause your abdomen to extend as if volleyball had inserted itself there, and may cause a whining and hissing noise to emanate from bowels before a prolonged and painful bought of terrible flatulence.” Sure, sorbitol, and other sugar alcohols like xylitol and mannitol, may have fewer calories, but it’s not really worth it if you have to spend the rest of the day quarantined. A laxative in a candy—someone is having a really good laugh at my expense.
5.) The Juice Is Loose
Used for decades as a natural laxative, a tablespoon of mineral, castor, or jojoba oil will result in loose stools; a few tablespoons more and you’ve got yourself a problem. The indigestible oils may be cheaper than a bag of fat-free potato chips, but aren’t as much fun going down.
Perhaps the message from all these anal leaking ingredients is moderation—too much of a good thing really does come back to bite you in the ass.